The Confessing Seventh-day Adventist

Hello, I am a 20 year-old female who has lots of questions...
What exactly is repentance? What is confession? What is the difference between the two? How do you know when God is talking to you? How do you know what Gods will is when you ask Him to reveal it to you? I have many more questions, but that will do for now...
Actually, here's more... How do i get to know jesus as my best friend, savior, and lord? I keep trying, but feel that i am missing a huge part of the picture... anybody have any advice, tips, suggestions...wisdom on the matter?
Also, i am struggling with feelings of shame and guilt. You see, i lost my virginity at the young age of 17. i don't even think i knew what i was doing!!! it wasn't just once either, but what does that matter? i have carried feelings of guilt and shame for much longer than that, though (along with feelings of lonliness and emptiness). I was pretty loose with boys for as long as i can remember. I don't even really know why i was like that. Looking back, i think i just wanted attention, and to feel accepted and loved... that seems to be the recurring theme of my short 20 years of life. I guess, sadly, the attention from boys was a quick fix.
The thing is...i didn't want to be like that, or act like that!!! It's almost like i have two sides to me. Not like a split personality or anything like that...but...
I knew that i should save that sort of thing for my future husband, and that love like that is meant to be a gift from God to man and woman in marriage. I WANTED THAT!!! I still do...
Yes, i heard all those sex talks from teachers, parents, and the like while i was growing up, and i honestly wanted to be a 'good girl'. Then, i'd go out and want to be loose with the fellas! Like i said, i don't know why... As i mentioned earlier, i think it was the attention, and thrill, and the fact that someone was interested in me. In retrospect, though, they were not really interested in me at all. Just a quick fix like i was looking for.
I know there is something more than quick fixes to fill those feelings of alone-ness. I know that something is Jesus! I just cant seem to break through all of this. Help! I hate this!
Even now, i'm in a sexual relationship with my boyfriend (who i'll call 'Bob') of 1.5 years. The relationship started out good. We both had good intentions of waiting. We go through cycles of: Being sexual; then i feel guilty and shameful, so i confess to God, and suggest to Bob that we stop being sexual and seek christian guidance; then i don't know who to talk to about the whole thing or what to do; then i MESS UP AGAIN and have sex! I feel genuinely sorry for my actions when i confess to God, but then i wonder: if i'm really sorry, why do i keep messing up?!
I often wonder what Bob's feelings are on the matter...Does he really want to seek help like i do, or is he just doing it because i suggested it? Does he want a true relationship with God like i do? My actions make me think: "if you really wanted a relationship with God, u'd stop and do things right", but i DO WANT TO BE SAVED, AND TO KNOW JESUS! I WANT TO DO THINGS RIGHT!
I feel very inconsistant with God in my actions, although my desires to go to heaven and to have a real, true, relationship with my God remains.
I had taken a break from the dating scene prior to meeting Bob, because i wanted to self reflect and learn from my past so i didn't make the same mistake in the future, and hopefully have a 'real', pure, God-guided relationship that would possibly turn into a strong God-blessed marriage. I REALLY WANT TO BE A TRUE CHRISTIAN WOMAN OF GOD!!! I took my time getting to know this person (which now doesn't seem like much time at all...), and prayed about it too. I thought God was guiding me to start dating him. Now, i wonder if i was interpreting my desires to be in a relationship as 'guidance' from God.
This lifestyle, and cyclic behavior--this struggle--is tearing me apart. Everything in my life seems to keep piling up. I have the desire in my heart to do things right, but keep messing up. I don't want to just keep messing up and saying 'im sorry', then messing up then saying 'i'm sorry'...etc. There's gotta be something better. What is true repentance, and how can Jesus save me from this mess i'm in? How do i set things right? I know God meets us all where we're at, but... what am i missing? How do i give it all to Him? How do i surrender all? I KNOW God is bigger than all of my problems. I just don't know what i'm missing...
There are so many more questions i have. There is so much more to my story. This is just what is bothering me the most right now.
I don't know who to talk to, or what to do anymore. I need some wisdom. I need advice. I need Jesus!
If you have any comments, please, reply!!!

rene wrote:What exactly is repentance? What is confession? What is the difference between the two? How do you know when God is talking to you? How do you know what Gods will is when you ask Him to reveal it to you?

How do i get to know jesus as my best friend, savior, and lord? I keep trying, but feel that i am missing a huge part of the picture... anybody have any advice, tips, suggestions...wisdom on the matter?

What is true repentance, and how can Jesus save me from this mess i'm in? How do i set things right? I know God meets us all where we're at, but... what am i missing? How do i give it all to Him? How do i surrender all? I KNOW God is bigger than all of my problems. I just don't know what i'm missing...

Dear Rene,

We're all in desperate need of God's unmerited favor (grace). I don't have any short answers to any of your questions that will give you an immediate life-changing experience. I do know and feel the power of faith and the gospel so I do have great confidence that I can point you in the right direction and help you along the way.

Please don't think that I don't care enough for you to take the time to write out a thoughtful and fully detailed reply to your questions. If I were to take two months of time to write out the best answers that I could think of, I don't think that I could reach your heart and mind with the words you need to hear. I feel that the right answers to your questions require a powerful exposition of book length coving more than you asked. No one can be truly satisfied with a few technically precise definitions of words and a few pat answers. I imagine that you have already heard a lot about salvation, Jesus and the Bible but haven't been able to internalize what you've heard. Am I right about that? For a deep relationship with God, you need to pray earnestly and study the Bible earnestly and have faith in God's power to save. The true gospel does have power, which you need to see things clearly.

The Apostle Paul wrote:I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith." Romans 1:16-17 (New International Version)

For a serious study of the gospel, I strongly encourage you to get The Gospel According to Jesus by John F. MacArthur. This link to amazon.com says that they have 22 used & new copies available from $0.39. You would be extremely blessed to secure a copy and to read it carefully.

I receive no kickbacks for this endorsement of MacArthur's book and I strongly disagree with John MacArthur on what he teaches about prophecy and I am not a member of his church. But his book on the gospel is simply the clearest and best exposition on the true gospel that you can find. I am confident that you will be blessed tremendously by reading it. It will place you firmly on the right foundation and set you in the right direction.

I would be delighted to receive your comments and answer your questions from your reading along the way. Please let me know how helpful that book is. I've recommended it several times on this forum. This forum ministry stands behind it. I am certain that it will give you the answers you seek.

Many blessings to you.

Eugene

Hey Rene,

First off, you have inspired me that there is a woman out there like me. Lol, everything you wrote I can relate to. I felt like you were the girl version of me - everything you said I went through and did too. I'm 22 and still struggling in life myself, but I have changed a lot for the better in the past couple months after becoming a Seventh Day Adventist. I used to be Baptist and stopped going to the Baptist church when I was about 18. One day, I was so lonely for God that I typed "advanced Christianity" into youtube and started searching. I was tired of listening to the same old stories at the church I was going to; I felt like I had heard them all. I knew that the Bible was the Word of God and that there had to be a deeper meaning in the texts - something more relevant to me. I found Walter Veith on youtube. He used to be an athiest/evolutionist and head of the biology department at the university he taught at. After becoming a Christian/creationist, he became a preacher and has his videos on youtube for free. He breaks down evolution and the Big Bang Theory and how they are flawed. He shows you who/what is working behind the scenes in the world to get the final stages of the events in Revelation to take place. He breaks down Revelation and Daniel and many, many prophecies. I have grown so much in my walk with God from listening to this preacher. I became a Seventh Day Adventist listening to him actually. But start with his testimony, it's very nice.
Besides that, you should pray everyday. Keep your mind on God (sometimes I try to imagine Jesus standing next to me, or angels taking notes of what I'm doing lol). It helps me act better when I start to lose my attention on God or what I should be doing, besides it's really what is happening anyway - but most people don't perceive that.
Also, I like to remind myself of Bible verses for each occasion that I'm in - whether it be sad (Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Luke 12:25-26), lonely (Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Matthew 28:20), scared (though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me, Oh Lord! Psalm 23:4), etc.
If you ever have a question in life, seek the Bible. Google it if you have to - like "Bible verses for anxiety." The Bible is the LITERAL Word of God. The Bible is how God talks to you. Preachers can help you understand key texts beyond a shadow of a doubt by using archaeology/science/math/and the Bible itself to back it up. So, start by praying like you have been, then watch Walter Veith's videos, and read the Bible. I'm sure this will get you to a closer relationship with God.
Thank you for posting that. Sometimes I feel all alone - at least that no girl out there is like me. But listening to you, I know that I can find a wife that loves God and knows what it's like to go through some of the stuff we've been through. That's what I'm struggling with the most right now - loneliness. But I will pray for God to prepare a wife for me and for Him to prepare me for her. I will pray for you to :)

God bless,
Ian